THE THIRDING OF THE STEVES
Collected and edited together by Steven Scougall. Co-written by
Steven Scougall, Jason Heavensrun and Kenji Bashaw in about five
posts.
(It is the evening after the Ranma - Blade battle comcluded. The
three Steves are jogging through the late evening streets of Nerima.
The tails of Steve2's aggressive headband flutter out behind him;
Steve3's pitiful attempts at long hair attempt to flutter but in
reality straggle behind him.)
As usual, they're bickering slightly.
Steve1: But you have to admit, Blade did have a point.
Steve2: Didn't give him any reason to try killing Ranma.
Steve1: If you hadn't noticed we ARE all slightly demented.
Steve3: Even me?
Steve1: ESPECIALLY you. You claim you're the weird one.
Steve3: Not the insane one. That's Sku-chan.
Steve2: HEY!
Steve3: (Doesn't miss a beat) ...is for horses.
Steve1: (Smugly) As I was saying, you're especially demented.
(They jog on in silence for a few moments.)
Steve2: But, seriously, guys. Blade was about to KILL Ranma.
Steve1: So? He was really really pissed with Ranma. And Ranma had
been treating Ukyou extremely badly with no thoughts for her
feelings.
Steve2: If you hated someone over a girl you were crazy about I
seriously doubt you'd try to kill them. I WAS you once. And
I was him once, too (indicates Steve3.)
Steve1: What if Sandy were to cause, you know, *her*, bad mental
anguish? Or at least severely hurt her without even
realizing it? That's what Ranma was doing to Ucchan. I'D
feel like killing the bastard.
Steve2: Yeah... nah, but you should try to help her instead of
killing the cause.
(Steve3 is surprisingly silent.)
Steve2: You're surprisingly silent, San-ban. It's out of character,
you know.
Steve3: You two are being out of character too, you know. You (nods
to Steve1) are being nastily agressive, which is what he
(indicates Steve2) should be doing. Ni-ban is being the
peacemaker which was your role.
(Steve1 slows down and leans against a handy wall. He slumps down to
a sitting position and puts his face in his hands. The other two pull
up and stare.)
Steve1: (Different goddish type of voice) THINGS GET DIFFICULT
SOMETIME, YOU KNOW.
Steve3: Oh my god! He's having a still-in-the-body experience!
Steve1: ACTUALLY, SAN-BAN, IF YOU RECALL YOU WERE CLONED FROM ME.
MADE IN MY IMAGE, NE? I AM YOUR GOD. NI-BAN WAS RIGHT.
Steve3: Oh supreme figure in whatever religious system you choose to
believe in (except of course for Shampoo-ism!)
Steves1and2: EH? / Wha?
Steve3: Damn. It's hard to curse properly when you choose not to
believe in anything.
Steve1: (confused look) ...
Steve2: Come on, Ichi-ban, settle down.
Steve1: THIS IS NOT EXACTLY ICHI-BAN. I'M JUST USING HIM AS A
TEMPORARY SPEAKER.
Steve3: Hey, now I remember your voice. I was lying down, severely
beaten, around about the end of the Blade and Ranma battle,
and you said something like 'All will be revealed in time.'
Steve1: I STILL THINK THAT THAT CLICHE SOUNDS GOOD WITH A DAMN GOOD
ECHO EFFECT.
(The wind goes 'Hwoooooooooooooo.' A random bell in a nearby house
chimes 'chiring... chiring...' Steve3's hair and Steve2's headband
flutter around madly, in a mad dance as the wind blows up.)
Steve3: (Quiet voice) You're the RL-Steve, aren't you. What are you
here for?
RL-Steve: NI-BAN CAN STAY. BUT SAN-BAN AND ICHI-BAN I'M NOT SO SURE
ABOUT ANYMORE.
Steve2: (voice of low menace) What's wrong with them?
RL-Steve: IT GOES WITHOUT QUESTION THAT STEVE3 IS A BIT TOO DEMENTED
TO BE RUNNING AMOK. BESIDES, HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING
BESIDES SIT AROUND (OR LIE MOANING AS THE CASE MAY BE) AND
MAKE SILLY COMMENTS. HE'S HARDLY WORTH ANYTHING EXCEPT AS
A HUMOUROUS SIDEKICK, PERHAPS NOT EVEN THAT. AND YOU'RE
THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER DOES ANYTHING. AND YOU'RE PROBABLY
THE BEST SUITED OF THE THREE FOR THIS UNIVERSE.
Steve3: I resent that. You never gave me any good lines. Anyway,
the three Heavensruns exist fine.
RL-Jason: That they do.
RL-Steve: HEAVENSRUN IS A HIGHER CLASS GOD THAN I AM. HE HAS A
BETTER NEWS SERVER FOR A START...
Steve2: Huh?
Steve3: (Aside to Steve2 as RL-Steve complains to the worlds in
general) The way they influence things. If they have better
news servers then they find it easier to change things in
what they call 'threads.'
Steve2: (shakes head) They're insane.
Steve3: They're still our gods.
Steve2: How come you're so knowledgable all of a sudden, anyway?
Steve3: Being the weird one has its advantages.
RL-Steve: (In conclusion) ...AND THEN HE'S CLOSER TO THE ACTION, I'M
MORE THAN SIX HOURS AWAY, DID YOU EVER WONDER EXACTLY *WHY*
YOU GUYS WERE NEVER IN THE MAIN THRUST OF THINGS?
Steve2: But we were! I searched high and low for both Ichi-ban and
Jason! That sounds fairly important.
RL-Steve: BUT YOU DIDN'T FIND HIM, DID YOU. NO, THE MADP GOD MANAGED
THAT. ANYWAY, WHAT WAS I GOING ON ABOUT? OH YEAH...
ANYWAY I JUST CAN'T MANAGE THREE OF YOU GUYS AT ONCE.
Steve2: But...
RL-Steve: (Totally ignoring Steve2) COME, SAN-BAN. THERE ARE THINGS
YOU MUST LEARN. THERE ARE THINGS YOU CAN DO. LET ME TEACH
YOU THE WAYS OF THE -SOMEWHERE-.
Steves2and3: Eh?
RL-Steve: (Testily) OH ALL RIGHT, IN PLAIN ENGLISH, I'M CONVENIENTLY
GETTING YOU OUT OF THE WAY SO STEVE2 CAN BE THE ONLY STEVE
AROUND.
Steve2: Eh?
RL-Steve: (Even more testily) OMAE GA JAMA YO.
Steve3: Um...
RL-Steve: (Really irritated) TA BAKEIN KA NNA? TA YO -SAMKOOTA- NE
TAKARRA.
Steve3: That was unnecessarily crpytic.
Steve2: Still perfectly understandable though.
Steve3: True.
Steve2: I don't recall ever confusing languages like tha- (He
freezes. So does his headband. Steve3's bad long hair
settles on his back.)
RL-Steve: YOUR HAND, MR. SCOUGALL.
Steve3: (Pauses for a while.) Well, name me one worse way to get
written out of things.
(Steve3 tentatively holds out his hand. RL-Steve takes it. They glow
briefly, then in a flash Steve2 re-animates and the other two
disappear to -somewhere-.)
Steve2: -t. (Looks around.) Bastards.
(And he starts dragging himself slowly home.)
--- Somewhere else ---
(As RL Kenji floats through cyberspace (don't you just hate that
word?) looking for a server to post from, he comes across a strange
sight...)
RL Kenji: Twins? They look familiar, somehow.
RL-Steve: Hey, he looks familiar, somehow.
--- Later, at the Tendo dojo ---
Steve2: Hi guys.
Ma-chan: Where are your worse two thirds?
Steve2: They've gone. Forever. Bastards. Anybody got any alcohol?
P-Word: Souun has some good beer in the fridge.
Kenji: Well, at least you don't have that confused look anymore.
Steve: (Confused look) I had a confused look? Since when? I don't
remember being confused.
(Steve2 wanders into the kitchen and opens the fridge.)
Steve2: (sigh) This sucks. (looks around the fridge.) Beer's too
weak. (pulls out a bottle of sake) This should do it. Must
remember that this is stuff is *really* alcoholic.
Jei-san: Hey, S2.
Steve2: Huh?
Jei-san: (Hanging from the ceiling, of course...) Hey, I thought we
should talk. I heard what happened.
Steve2: Already?
Jei-san: Yeah. RL-Jason read your post.
Steve2: Huh?
Jei-san: Long story. Listen. I'm not real good at stuff like this,
but...
Steve2: (takes a drink of sake) How the hell do you hang like that
without your guitar strap slipping off?
Jei-san: Longer story. But like I was saying, I know what you're
going through. After I was cloned to replace Jacen, and the
original Jacen was sprung from the asylum, I wandered off
alone, kind of like what you're going through now. And then
again, when we thought J-O was dead, well, my point is,
anytime you need a friend, I'll be here. (drops from the
ceiling into a momentary handstand, then springs to a
crouching position the countertop. Again, the guitar
mysteriously stays in place...) Okay? (Offers his hand to
shake.)
Steve2: (takes the proffered hand and shakes it, smiling slightly.)
Thanks, Jei-san. (Offers the bottle of sake) Want some?
Jei-san: Sure. (Takes the bottle and downs about a third of it in
one swallow) ...erk... (starts swaying) ...dish ish
shtrong shtuff...
Soun: My sake! (Soun cry #546 : Someone I barely know has just drunk
a third of the sake I was hoarding for Akane and Ranma's
wedding anniversary.)
Steve2: I was about to tell you to be careful. That was probably
about the same as six bottles of strong beer in the space of
three seconds. Have a good lie down. And not on the
ceiling, on the floor here. Make sure you don't crush your
guitar.