Subject: Ranma 1/2 Newsgroup series: Trench Wars [FanFic] Date: Fri, 10 May 1996 05:00:20 GMT From: Jason Heavensrun Organization: Checkmate Studios Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime.creative Followup-To: rec.arts.anime.fandom Ranma 1/2 Newsgroups: Trench Warfare Fanfic by: Jason Heavensrun, Alexis Barrera, Kenji Bashaw, Caroline Seawright A Checkmate Studios production In a world far from and inside of Nerima, Japan, There are people who do and do not relate to the cast of Ranma 1/2. These people view their favorites from the Ranma crew as gods and or goddesses(or in Ranma's case, both). They view the others either as demons, or at the very least as subordinates. This world is the Internet, and these people are the Otaku. In the land of Newsgroups, specifically the province Rec.Arts.Anime, a thread was started. It was harmless enough at first...Messages like "I love Shampoo!", or "Akane's my favorite!" Then came the early skirmishes. The first battle broke out between a man named Darry K. Haderach, and Caroline (Kun-chan) Seawright (Leader of the Church of Ryoga), over whether Shampoo was a bimbo. At first, Caroline was attacked by Haderach, and was called many names, such as "Peewit". One other netsurfer saw the injustice in this, and took action, coming to the aid of Kun-chan, and becoming her friend and ally in the coming wars. His name was Jason Heavensrun, and he was the chairman of the committe of Akane for Ranma's Best Babe, and her sworn protector. Eventually, Haderach was pushed back, disgraced and dishonored by the title "Phlandarb". Phlandarb(N): A kind of gooey pastry served on Korritah, a planet on the edge of the Palpatine sector. See also: VOMIT BALL Many posts would continue to follow, and a new champion emerged to defend Shampoo. This one was unlike Haderach in that he refused to admit defeat no matter the facts thrown against him. His name was Alexis Barrera. The battle became furious, and some sought to end the fighting. They were all set straight, however, by a single message from "werewolf@someplace.sometime". Werewolf referred to the netwar in the following phrase. "It's all out war, son. Pick your side and start digging them trenches." Heavensrun saw this as an apt description and acted upon it. Kenji Bashaw, an Ukyou Otaku, jumped in and escalated the conflict. So began the first trench war in Newsgroup history... (Peeks up from his trench.) Jason: Akane, get down! The Shampoo fans are breaking out the 'flame' throwers! (pushes Akane's head down below the trench and jumps out, weilding Ranma as a shield. Flames lick across the battlefield, Ranma comes out barely singed.) Ranma: Whattaya think your doing? Jason: Protecting my goddess! (more flames come from the shampoo trench, burning ranma further.) Ranma: Ow! Ow! Ow! (Kenji shows up) Kenji: Hey! Is this the Ukyou trench? (Leaps out of the trench, dodging bullets and thown mallets) Kenji: Whew! -This- must be the trench, then. (Looks around sees the horde of bimbo fans) Alexis: HEY! IT's THAT ANTIFREEZE GUY! GET HIM! Jason: Kun-chan! Is our counterstrike ready yet? (blocks yet another attack from the shampoo fans.) Caroline: Just about! Can you hold them off a few more seconds? (Sounds of flamethrowers emit from the other trench.) Jason(thinks): Who could they be firing at in their own trench? Kenji (in Shampoo trench): Good thing I bought this asbestos suit... Ukyou! Where are you? Jason: I've got the star of the show on our side! I can hold them off all day! (blocks yet another wall of flame from reaching it's target) (Kenji sees the impeding doom of the Shampoo trench, jumps into a small fox hole) Caroline: It's ready! (she punches a few more keys on her keyboard, and suddenly, a large tank drives over the shampoo fans, crushing them. After it has passed, Akane pops out of the top of the tank, points a small flame-thrower at the crushed mound of people, and unloads 400+ degrees of searing heat upon them.) Jason and Caroline: (simultaneously) Yess! Caroline: We won! Jason: Yes, we've won this day, but they'll return. Especially Alexis. I don't get it! We pound on him and pound on him, and still he stays! At least we chased off the Phlandarb. Caroline: Should we press our assault onto the other fiancees? Jason: What's the point? The Ukyou hordes are as massive a force as ourselves. That battle could carry on forever... As for Kodachi, there can't be more than four or five of them. No, I think we should fortify for the next attack from the Shampooites. Is our secret weapon ready? Caroline: The final manga storyline? Yeah, I've got it all right here. (Taps her forehead) Jason: Good. We'll need it. (looks over at the shampoo fans, who even now, are trying to mend their wounds for another attack) Geez, and they call Akane stubborn... (Kenji looks around his new surroundings. Sees 4 or 5 gibbering guys in straightjackets.) Kenji (thinks): Oh, no ! This must be the Kodachi trench... (From his tower in Shampoo Castle, Lord Alexis contemplates his minions' latest defeat ...) ALEXIS: Fools! Akane's worshippers are wasting precious ammunition on mindless grunts. Soon they'll be too weak to survive my latest evil scheme, the giant Shampoo blimp that blasts the first serie's theme song over 10,000 Watt speakers. Victory shall be ours! (Caroline shakes her head and stares over at the Shampoo trench and the castle behind it.) Caroline: There's no way I'm going to lose to them! That castle looks like it could be a good house for me... Jason: And how do you plan to take it since we're all still in the trenches? Caroline: *smirk* Oh, I've got a little help of my own... Frazzled Ranma: *smoulder*fry* (Kenji's screams can be heard from the Kodachi trench) Akane: Oh? (Caroline points next to the castle. There just happens to be a giant church, nay Cathedral, next door. A few hundred priests and priestesses and Holders of various holy objects are busy, having shown Ryouga to the side of the castle, fending off Shampoo followers as Ryouga-kamisama bakusai tenketsu's the castle wall...) (Caroline blinks.) Caroline: Maybe I won't be able to live in it after all... (Shampoo followers in the trenches continue to try to heal themselves.) (Ryouga makes his way up the lower levels of the castle, beating countless minions and causing thousands of dollars worth of damage to the castle. Alexis decides to act ...) Alexis: Ryouga-san, stop this non-sense right this second! (Ryoga prepares to attack.) Alexis (aside): Maybe this wasn't such a good idea ... (Ryoga leaps into the air...) (In a desperate attempt to preserve his own hide, Alexis reaches for a bucket of cold water which up until now had remained concealed behind his person.) *SPLASH* Alexis: I wonder if Shampoo-sama know how to make bacon ... P-chan: Squeeeeeeeeeel !!! (Suddenly the Holder of the Kettle of Ryouga rushes in and pours the hot water over P-chan.) HotKoR: You can't do that to our kami-sama!! Alexis: Hey, where did you come from? HotKoR: I follow the god everywhere! Alexis: Well, just what do you expect to do now? (He holds up another bucket of cold water.) HotKoR: . o O < Damn, I need to find more hot water > (A naked Ryouga, in a cloud of steam, runs around frantically, trying to find his clothes. Suddenly Caroline is glomped onto Ryouga) Caroline: I'll look after you, my Ryouga-kamisama! Alexis: *sweats* Where did she come from? (Ryouga just blushes and tries to hide.) (In the trenches, on Akane's side...) Minna: Wow, never seen Caroline move so fast before in my life... (Back to Kenji, who is bleeding and shaking a Kodachi fan from his ankle) Kenji: Get off, dammit! Kenji: Hey, I smell okonomiyaki! (Trudges over behind the castle to a little noticed okonomiyaki shop) Kenji: Ukyou! Eeep! Kenji's Wife: What are you doing here? You're supposed to be washing the car! And who is this "Ukyou" anyway? (drags him out of the story by his ear) (Our story so far...Akane's worshippers are storming Shampoo castle. Inside, Alexis' battle against Ryouga, HotKor and Caroline rages on ...) Alexis (aside): What was I thinking, buying a castle right next to the church of Ryouga ... In the distance, the sound of a gigantic ballon inflating can be heard. Alexis (to Ryouga): Listen buddy, if you join my army, we can get Shampoo's Ranma off Akane's hands, and you know what that means. Besides, my giant blimp is loaded with video tapes in which you can be seen transforming into a pig. Join me or Akane will find out the truth about you in VHS or BETA! Jason: Oh, no you don't Alexis! Ryoga, If you join him, It will make Akane unhappy! You don't want to make Akane unhappy do you? (Back in the Akane trench) Minna: Now Jason took off! Oh, well, Let's grab a bite to eat, guys. Kenji: Is this the Ukyou trench? Kenji's wife: Kenji, where are you? Kenji: Eeek! Hide me! Minna: Huh? (Back in the castle) Alexis: Ah, but I still have this on him!(waves the tape in the air) Jason: Oh, please! We've been holding that over him since this thing started! (A loud explosion blows the roof off the castle) Takahashi-Megami-sama: YOU FOOLS HAVE TAKEN THIS FAR ENOUGH!!! (With a wave of her hand, the blimp, the castle, the church, and every one of the videotapes is destroyed...The combatants find themselves in the trenches once again, except for Ryoga. Ryoga(in Poquoima, New Jersey): Excuse me, I'm looking for... (Back in the trenches) Jason: Remind me never to piss her off... Caroline: I guess we're back where we started. Eeek! Our readings indicate a new surge of Shampoo fans coming this way! (Jason grabs Ranma, who whimpers slightly, and jumps out to meet the oncoming hoards...) Jason: Where are our forces? Caroline: Here's a note..."Out to lunch..." Ranma: Food... Kenji: (Whimpers) Is my wife gone? (In the Shampoo trench.) Alexis: That does it, That castle was brand new! No more mister nice guy! Nabiki-sama, let's sue! Nabiki: Alexis-kun, you do understand I'll be keeping 99% of the money I collect right? Alexis: Keep it all! I'll even throw in a free meal. (Akane's worshippers make funky hand gestures with their thumbs, indexes and pinkie.) Heavensrun: Not Nabiki! This'll be worse then Takahashi-megami-sama's wrath! (Meanwhile, Shampoo's minions set off to rebuild Shampoo Castle/law firm.) Akane: Nabiki! Nabiki: Cash is cash, little sister. Jason: Then we have no choice. Kun-chan, are you ready? Caroline: The trench is secured, Jason. Jason: All right then. (Picks up a walkie talkie) Patch me into the PA system. Voice: You're on, sir. Jason: Students of Furinken High. I, Jason Heavensrun, Sworn protector of Akane Tendo, ask your aid in fighting the hordes of Shampoo. She wants to hurt Akane very badly. You don't want that, do you? (A rumbling sound can be heard in the distance. Jason clips the walkie talkie back onto his belt and jumps into the trench.) Alright guys, cover the opening! (the minions of Akane pull a large metal sheet over the top of the trench. within moments, there is a loud drumming sound as the male student body of Furinken high charges the new castle/law firm, tearing it down as they pass, and plowing into the shampoo trench) Alexis: Eep! (Shampoo immediatly begins pounding the students into submission, but by the time she gets them all, the construction site has been laid to waste and the equipment in the trench is in shambles. Jason and Caroline watch the battle unfold on tiny monitors.) Jason: Now! Release the PAN-T assault device! Akane, Ranma, Kun-chan, You hide in the back of the trench. This is no place for women to be right now. (He slides the metal plate off the surface of the trench.) Takahashi help us if this should fail. Kun-chan, while you're back there, call Kenji, and try to get the Ukyou hordes as backup. If there's any chance of alliance, we have to try to take advantage of it. (he sees a figure approaching from behind the trench.) Get back there quick, girls! Caroline: Call Kenji, got it! Ranma: Waitaminuite, who made you boss? Jason: I did. This is -my- post, remember? When Kun-chan posts, she's the boss. When Kenji posts...well, Kenji's Kenji. When Alexis posts, The Shampooites start to win. So unless you want to end up with Shampoo, Caroline and I are the bosses here. Now get BACK! (Ranma complies, along with all the females in the group. Jason notices the figure is bounding ever closer. He has what appears to be a large sack over his shoulder, and a group of taller figures is becoming apparent on the skyline.) Happosai! There's a pretty girl in that trench over there! Happy: Sweeto! (He bounds into the Shampoo trench, with the -female- half of Furinken's student body close behind) Shampoo: EEEEEK!! Happy: Here, hold these, m'boy. -glomp- Alexis: Huh? Girls underw- Girls: "Give those back!" "Those are ours!" "You're both perverts!" "Lecher!" etc.... Alexis: AAAAAAA!!!!! Shampoo: EEEEEEE!!!!!!! Jason: Heh heh heh. Now, execute operation sister- nab! Come on, men!(Jason runs out of the trench, followed by his loyal soldiers. They sprint over to the other trench, and while Shampoo and Alexis are otherwise occupied, fight their way through the remaining soldiers until they reach their objective.) Jason: The hordes of Akane have no room for traitors. Nabiki: Heh. Can't blame a girl for trying to make a little cash! Jason: Yes, I can. (He grabs her and lifts her over his shoulder, carrying her out of the trench. Before he can get very far, a voice from behind stops him. He turns to see a very angry, very battered Alexis.) Alexis: HEAVENSRUN!!!! You bring back my trump card! (Jason hands Nabiki over to another of his soldiers.) Jason: Take her back to base, and have Kasumi and Soun watch her. I'll hold him off. (the soldier carries Nabiki back, as ordered, and Jason turns to face his nemesis) Alexis: So, to the death? Jason: No. Alexis: What? Jason: All I have to do is stall you. This should do the trick. (Jason throws a small object at Alexis. It looks like a computer disk, but when it reaches Alexis, it bursts open, and a gelatinous goo comes out, growing in size instantly, and enveloping the trench.) Alexis & Shampoo: COMPUTER VIRUS! The virus entagles them both, preventing them from doing much more than breathing. Alexis: ACK! It's going to take me weeks to clear this out of the system! Not to mention my hair, look at this goop! CURSE YOU, HEAVENSRUN! CURSE YOU! ----------- (Back at the trench) Akane: And for valorous conduct under wartime conditions, we bestow upon you, Jason Heavensrun, the Silver Kettle Award. (Akane pins a small medal on Jason's chest. It is a small kettle, with hot water pouring out.) Kasumi: It was really unkind of you to betray your sister to the enemy, Nabiki. Soun: Young lady, If you ever try anything like that again, I'm reducing your allowance by two- thirds! Nabiki: No! One third the income means I can only manage one third the profit! All right, daddy, I promise not to defect ever again. Caroline: I still can't believe you just dumped a virus on them like that! That's so cool! Jason: Actually, it's a memory virus. It'll be gone after the first reboot. I didn't have anything permanent on me. Caroline: Which means... Jason: They'll be back, and they'll probably have new and improved flames for us to block. Ranma: Oh, no! Jason: Cooperate or it's to the cat-celler with you, Saotome! Genma: Oh, my son! You break your fathers...(splash) Growf! (And now, today's installment:) (Kenji's point of view) Kenji: Ok, I've washed the car, fed the prairie dogs, and done the rest of my chores, and my wife is out with her friends... (looks at the ground) Kenji: Hey, what's this? (flipflip) Wow! It's the script for the story! Cool. (reads) Kenji: Well no wonder I couldn't find Ukyou! She's not written in yet!(scribble scribble scribble) (A two story sprawling okonomiyaki shop appears in the background, teeming with Ukyou fans from all walks of life) Kenji: Ah! Now for the others! (flips pencil over to the eraser side) Caroline: Kenji! Where - Oh! there you are! (Kenji throws pencil in surprise, quickly swallows the script down his throat, no surprise to those who have seen him at dinner) Kenji: MWhaff yoofff whanf? What you want? (In the Akane trench) Jason: Hey, Akane, let me see the script. Akane: Here you are, Jason. (Jason flips to the part that Kenji wrote:) > >Kenji: Ah! Now for the others! > >Caroline: Kenji! Where - Oh! there you are! >no surprise to those who have seen him at dinner> >Kenji: MWhaff yoofff whanf? What you want? Jason: ACK! He almost erased us! (Pulls out a felt tip pen and goes over the entire script with ink.) And just to be on the safe side, (Sprays matte fixative all over the script.) Nobody's gonna pull that off again. Geez. I'm hungry. I wonder when Kun-chan's getting back. Akane: I'd be happy to cook! Jason: No, that's okay, Akane. We've already won this round with the Shampooites. No point in torturing them. (Is suddenly impaled by a large mallet) Oops. (Looks at Akane.) (Back to Kenji) Kenji: Oh, yeah? Well, two can play at that game! (hork hork heave cough (Ew, sick!)) Kenji: Ah! Here's the other script! Funny, somehow it's all covered with ink and heavy Tamiya brand matte spray... How did you do that? Well, at leastmy loyal Ukyou loving troopers are still here!(looks over the the battlefield, espies the bimbo troops rapidly rebuilding) Kenji: Over yonder, troops! Get them while they're still down! Charge! Oh, and I'll stand guard over Ukyou, by the way... Ukyou: Umm... hey I appreciate all this fan support, but aren't you married? Kenji: Shhh! Shhh! Next you'll be asking why my email address starts with "Moroboshi.Ataru".... Jason: You tried to erase us! Kenji: Oh, phooey! I was just gonna correct some spelling errors that's all. Ah! Look Jason, see how well my troops fight when they're well fed with okonomiyaki! (sounds of carnage as the Ukyou shock troopers destroy the shampoo hordlings) Kenji: Too bad I can't stand that crap... did you say Kun-chan was bringing food, Jason? Ukyou: What!?! Kenji's head: CLANG! Kenji: OW! Jason: It just goes to show, Kenji. Never insult a woman's cooking, no matter how much you may hate it. I mean, look at Akane! Don't get me wrong, I'd give my life to her cause and all, but her cooking could kill a- >WHAM< Akane: I'll have you know my cooking is just fine! (Rears back for another blow.) Jason: Please m'lady! Some mercy for your faithful liutenant. Akane: Well, Okay. (Throws the hammer back into hammerspace. Kasumi and Kun-chan arrive.) Caroline: Hey guys, we got pizza! Jason: (Salivating) PIZZA? (Barrels through a large crowd of people, severely injuring them, in order to get first pick at the slices.) Pizzapizzapizzapizzapizzapizzapizzapizzapizz apizzapizzapizzapizza... >munch<>munch<>munch< Kasumi: Such a hearty appetite! RETURN OF SHAMPOO CASTLE or I WAS A TEENAGE SHAMPOO CASTLE (I can't decide which title I like best) Alexis the Injured, chief advisor of her goddessness Shampoo, has regrouped his massive army of mindless minions. Project S-3, the building of a third, bigger than ever castle is nearing completion. Cologne has been hired as chief of security. Alexis: This time, I'm making the castle out of wood; it'll cut back on repair costs. Mousse: Tell me again why I should help you defeat Akane's worshipers. Alexis: Once Shampoo has captured Ranma, you can beat him senseless and Shampoo will see that you are a worthy husband. (A mailbox slips by silently, unseen by the Shampooite hordes.) Kuno-sempai: Here's the money you needed to buy out Ucchan's place and turn it into a cat cafe franchise. Anything to defeat that ignoramous Ranma. Alexis: How come you aren't talking in poetry? Kuno-sempai: Don't ask me. You wrote this part. Alexis: No matter. With Ukyou on our side, we can't fail! (ALEXIS BREAKS OUT INTO A FIT OF MANIACAL LAUGHTER) (The mailbox dissapears into the night, moving swiftly and silently towards the Akane trench.) Caroline's voice, through a loud speaker : Kunou- sempai! If you let him have that money, he'll kill Akane AND your osage no onna! He wants them to die and to put Shampoo in their place! You can't let him her away with that! See all the banners of his followers? They read 'Death to Akane and her followers!' and 'Akane is the spawn of hell' Kunou-sempai! Defeat him so he can't kill Akane! Kunou: WHAT?! YOU DARE TO ATTACK MY DARLING TENDOU AKANE AND MY OSAGE NO ONNA, TOO?! YOU SHALL PAY!!! (Kunou starts to sttack Alexis with his pattern strike, all the money (or cheque, depending on how he paid) starts to get torn from the force of the strikes, as well as most of the shreadable substances in the room. Meanwhile, back in the Akane trench...) Ukyou: So why should we join you? Jason: Because we both have the same objective! Ukyou: Which is? Jason: To prove that Shampoo is a bimbo, and make sure that she doesn't get Ranma! Ukyou: And if we beat her, then what? Akane gets him? Jason: Of cour...I mean, That's between you three. I only want to ensure Shampoo's downfall.(A small figure bolts out of the darkness. It bears a striking resemblance to a mailbox.) Tsubasa: Ukyou! (Ukyou pulls out her large spatula and flattens him) Jason:(into a walkie talkie) Heavensrun to security! Kasumi, we have an intruder here! Voice: That's impossible, Jason. Why, I met a very nice talking mailbox not five minuites ago that assured me that there were no intruders in the entire complex. Tsubasa: (pops out of his mailbox disguise) I came to warn you! Jason: Stand by, Kasumi. (to Tsubasa) Warn us about what? Tsubasa: Mousse is leading an attack force to kidnap Ranma. And Ukyou...(an explosion is heard in the background) Jason: DAMN! (Jason runs out, grabbing a flame-thrower on the way.) Mousse: I shall prove myself to my beloved Shampoo! (Jason points the nozzel of the flame-thrower at Mousse and pulls the trigger, but nothing comes out.) Jason: Sh--! Forgot to load it! (He grabs a microphone off the backpack, and begins to yell into it) You're blind as a bat, and your glasses are ugly! Your hair makes you look like a girl! You always wear the same damn outfit! You're to dumb to realize when you're beaten!(As he shouts these insults into the microphone, the charge on the flame- thrower increases) And SHAMPOO DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!! (The flamometer kicks onto overload, and Jason points and shoots. Flame engulfs the shampooites, sending most screaming in pain back to their base. Only Mousse remains.) Mousse: So Ranma! You've come to face me! Jason: Put your glasses on, idiot! Mousse: Huh? (Slides his glasses in front of his eyes.) Who are you?!? Jason: I'm your worst nightmare. (He pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. Jason looks at the flamometer, which read empty.) Uhh...Just kidding? -wham- Mousse: Fool. (Grabs what he thinks is Ranma and runs off. When Jason comes to, he is surrounded by Akane's followers, including Kun-chan.) Jason: What hit me? (Kun-chan holds up a toilet training potty) Caroline: I wouldn't worry about Mousse anymore. He grabbed faceless minion #349 and split. Ranma: Idiot. Caroline: So, Kenji, Tsubasa told me about Shampoo's plans to take over Ucchans. Will you stand with us, or will you stand by as Ukyou's livelihood is ripped out from under her? Kenji: ...Huh? But you already ruined Alexis' plans to buy out Ucchan's Fortified Okonomiyaki shop! You people need to coordinate your posts better. Caroline: Oh! I guess I did. Jason(Pulls out a copy of the script): Curses! I hadn't read that post yet! Alexis: My money! Kenji: That's Ok, our Ukyou shock troopers will join with your forces, but only on one condition... Caroline & Jason: What's that? Kenji: First, you must get us... a SHRUBBERY! (sounds of horns blaring) (Kun-chan slaps Kenji upside the head, And Jason says "NI!" to him.) Kenji: OW! Sorry, couldn't resist. Actually, we'll join up since, having the two largest fan bases, fighting each other will only assure our mutual destruction. Jason: Alright. Kenji: Besides, I see you guys ordered pizza... (munchmunchgulpinhale) (Alexis wrote this next part...) Ukyou: WHAT! You actually consider eating pizza when I've got truck loads of Okonomiyaki (sp?) all made out for the troops? Alexis warned me about this. Alexis is honest, not like the rest of you ... you clowns! Baka baka baka! (Ukyou fans and Akane fans agree, this scene is so out of character for Ukyou, that we have decided to ignore it...) Meanwhile, Alexis takes advantage of the diversion caused by Kenji and captures Akane, planting a double in her place. Jason: Akane, pass the sugar please. Akane: Here you go ... Jason: Wait a minute, this REALLY is sugar, you're not Akane! Who is this impostor? (THE FAKE AKANE DISROBES HERSELF AND TURN OUT TO BE KUNO'S SIDEKICK) Sasuke: HAH! You fell for my distraction! By now master Kuno has Mistress Akane in his clutches. HAH-HAH-HAH! (Notices that he is surrounded) Ulp. (Crashing and banging sounds can be heard throughout the trench) (Back in Shampoo castle, the minions celebrate the latest turn of events with the new sound system.) Alexis: See Kunou-sempai, I told you my minions were just kidding, we don't want to *hurt* Akane, we just want her out of the way. (KUNOU DANCES WITH A BOUND AND GAGGED AKANE) Alexis (aside): That'll teach that uncute tomboy to get in they way of my Shampoo's happyness. (ALEXIS BREAKS OUT INTO ANOTHER FIT OF INSANE LAUGHTER, KODACHI JOINS HIM) (Caroline grabs Ranma by the hand, throws him in a cold shower, then runs off to the castle, using her kunoichi powers to sneak in, undetected.) Caroline whispers to Ranma: You've got to make Kunou join our side AND get Akane back. We can't leave her in the hands of that bimbo lover! Ranma whispers back: You don't want me to.. to... to *seduce* Kunou, do you?! Caroline whispers to Ranma: Do you really want your love to be murdered or made to listen to bad Chinese accents forever? Ranma whispers back: Ack! They wouldn't!! Caroline whispers to Ranma: They have SHAMPOO there! Of course they would! They LOVE that stuff there! Ranma: Oh, boy... Okay, here we go! (Caroline soaps Ranma down with the water resistant soap ... then pushes Ranma into the room.) Ranma onna: Sempai!! Yoo-hoo! Kunou: Osage no onna!! Ranma onna leaps into Kunou's arms Ranma onna: Set Akane free, and we can ALL go to your mansion and live together! *giggle* It will be soooooooo fun, sempai!! Alexis: Grrrrr... Ranma!! (Alexis throws a kettle of hot water at Ranma... which spills over both Kunou and Ranma onna. The only thing is... Ranma doesn't change.) Kunou: What are you doing?!?! Ranma onna: Waaaah! Sempai! He hurt me!!! Get me and Akane out of here! Kunou: Of course, I shall do anything for you, my love! (Kunou grabs both Ranma and Akane and runs out... Caroline follows, making sure no Shampoo followers stop the four of them...) End part 1----------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------Begin part 2 (Later, outside SC-3, which is now complete, Jason and the Akane followers have gathered.) Jason: Do you have the petard? Caroline: Ready to hoist! (The front gates to the castle explode inward. A slightly charred faceless minion stands there, poised as if hanging a large bomb on where the gate used to be.) Jason: Guess it's a good thing we used a faceless minion. Petards have a tendency to hoist to early! Caroline: Attack men! Kenji: Four stinking votes...It's all Nabiki's fault, I tell ya! (Akane fans pour into the courtyard) Alexis: WHAT? HOW? Where is Cologne! She's supposed to be in charge of security! (Jason holds up a battered and broken Cologne.) Jason: Looking for this? Alexis: HOW- Jason: We've got a new weapon so powerful, not even you can withstand it, Alexis! Alexis: I doubt that. Jason: Kun-chan? Caroline: According to the poll on who "Ranma's best babe" is, Akane beat Shampoo 11 to 1. Shampoo: Aih-yaa! Alexis: (Horrified) Y-You lie! Jason: Read for yourself. (Forwards a copy of the post to Alexis) Alexis: You FABRICATED THIS! It's biased anyway! All of the Shampoo fans didn't vote! Jason: I guess they're not too dedicated, then. Anyway, not all Akane fans voted either. Alexis: It's a FRAUD! A FALSITY! WE'VE BEEN SHINAGLED! Jason: Gentlemen... (Three men in white coats walk past Jason and approach Alexis) Alexis: WE'LL RETURN, HEAVENSRUN!!! MARK MY WORDS!!! (The men grab Alexis, and within moments, have him tied in a straight jacket. Shampoo sits on the floor, crying at her defeat.) (Minuites later, Jason, Kun-chan, Akane, Ranma, etc... are gathered around a table with the last pizza. Ranma and Jason are eyeing each other over the last piece.) Ranma: You're barely a martial artist Jason. You don't stand a chance. Jason: It's -pizza-. I don't -need- martial arts. (As they break out into a fight, Akane and Kun- chan pull out another pizza. Jason and Ranma notice the extra pizza, and stop fighting. Kun-chan and Jason are sporting several medals and awards for their valiant struggle in the face of bimboism.) Ryoga: Excuse me, is this... Caroline: RYOGA-KAMI-SAMA!!!!!! (glomp) Caroline: This really is a nice castle. Jason: Yeah. Shame we've got to burn it. (The Akane hordes gather around the flaming castle, and dance to the tune of Jajauma ni Sasanaide.) -THE END- (Until Alexis starts the inevitable sequel...) EPILOGUE -------- Locked up behind steel doors in an assylum far far away Alexis meditates ... Alexis (inner thought): None of this would have happened if I had kept my job as president of the Sassami fan club. (ALEXIS FINDS THE SPOT HE'S SITTING ON UNCOMFORTABLE) Alexis: What am I sitting on? Alexis: THIS!!! I thought lost this floppy days ago, but it was in my back pocket all along! Now I can redeem my mistresses honor, all the Shampoo votes I need are saved in here!!! (Unable to break out of his cell, Alexis decides to carve a message in stone with a spoon:) "When Takahashi-megami-sama finishes the series after her much deserved vacation, a new poll will surface and it shall be shown to the non-believers that Shampoo-sama truly is Ranma's best babe, it is written!" (ALEXIS GOES BACK TO MEDITATING) Alexis (inner thought): Shampoo, Sassami, Ran- chan. Shampoo, Sassami, Ran-chan. Shampoo, Sassami, Ran-chan ... (Outside the cell)Doctor Tofu: How sad. Nurse: You mean his obsessive compulsive behavior, and inability to accept truth? Doctor Tofu: No, although that is rather depressing. I was referring to the fact that the thread continued for several weeks, and the first mention I get is in the epilogue. It's almost as humiliating as being written out of the manga series like I was. Nurse: Why do you suppose he tore up the cushion of the padded cell like that? Doctor Tofu: He seemed to think he was carving something in stone. Part of the delusion, I suppose. Like the floppy disk he "finds" every thirty minuites... -end- The story you have just seen was an actual news thread. Few names were changed to protect the innocent because noone involved -was- innocent... -finis. Well, that's it. Believe it or not, this -was- an actual thread on RAA, and the dialogue -was- indeed written by the four people in the story Us at Checkmate Studios always need new input! Please send comments to Jason Heavensrun at "Heavensrun@aol.com" -- -Jason Heavensrun CEO Checkmate Studios, Inc. http://www.su.okstate.edu/pages/ArtsSciences/sts.htm Chairman of the Cabinet for Akane, Ranma's Best Babe. "Curse those Evil Octipi!" -Genma Saotome "Please, Ryoga! You couldn't go to the bathroom without gettin' lost!" -Ranma Saotome