From: "Kuno Christoffel" <deva@wizard.net>
Subject: [GRIT] The GRITTY Awards (3/3)
Date: Friday, 6 April 2001 3:27 AM

---

Artemis: Welcome back, everyone, to the final third of the GRIT Fifth
  Anniversary awards show.  I'm your hostess, Artemecia.

Reysol: And I am Kashiwa Reysol, the master of Anything-Goes J-League
  Martial Arts.

Artemis: Good for you. ;p

Reysol: You must defeat Quing Ron to stand a chance.

Artemis: Yeah.  It's a Street Fighter thing.  You're Raiyuu, we get it.
  -_-;;

Reysol: It's pronounced "Ryu."

Artemis: <cough> In any case, we've come to the awards for the best
  battles in GRIT's five-year history.

Reysol: I am sorry that I could not see this, but the first award is
  for...

  <BEST ONE-ON-ONE FIGHT!>

Reysol: In this category, the fight between the honorable Jei Heavensrun
  and the unscrupulous Tom Tarou received three votes, totaling four
  points...

Artemis: Meaning that some RLs are a little self-centered. -_-;;;

Reysol: But the winner is the battle between Jo and Scott, with five
  points.  Miss Artemis, what was that battle like?

Artemis: Er... that was in the Weekend at Tarou's thread.

Reysol: And?

Artemis: Er... um... well... <blush> I don't remember.  Let's look at
  some footage from this epic fight!

  <A large screen lowers down in the back of the stage, and...>

  ---

  <Rocky walls zoom by as Jo and Scott fly through a tunnel to the
  Earth's core.  Back at Zuni's, Amy watches with apprehension on
  a large monitor.>

  Amy: No, Jo!  You don't have to do this!

  Jo: Thank you, Amy.  But all I can do now is leave the future in
      the hands of the children.

  <Jo turns her attention back to her travels, while Amy starts to tap
  furiously on the keyboard in front of her.>

  Amy: No, Jo.  After all you've done, I won't let you sacrifice your
       life for the planet Earth.

  <The cave wall bursts open, and Jo and Scott go flying into a vast
  chamber, where they float in the air above an ocean of magma.>

  Scott: What is this?

  Jo: Is this enough power for you, Schimmel?

  Scott: Hah!  You idiot!  Is this how you plan to defeat me?

  <He flies towards Jo and delivers a solid kick to her head.  With
  nothing to brace against, she is knocked back into one of the walls,
  and immediately screams as the molten rock burns her.>

  Jo: Why do you insist on fighting?

  Scott: Why?  So that the future of the universe will belong to me!  So
         that I can create a future where the Light of Hope does not
         shine!  So that...

  <He is cut off as the chamber walls start to shake.  A shaft of white
  light explodes from one wall and knocks Scott aside as it drives its
  way into Jo's chest.  She begins to glow with its radiance, and then
  shapes the light into an obscenely large, 20-foot-long poleaxe.>

  Jo: See this, Scott?  *This* is the Light of Hope!

  ---

<Reysol and Artemis stare at the screen with their mouths hanging open,
  one shoulder of the woman's dress hanging off her arm.>

Reysol: Er...

Artemis: There's obviously something wrong with that signal, but we're
  going to get back to it as soon as we can. ^^;;

Reysol: <ahem> Our next category is a helpful one for people who want to
  test the limits of their fighting power.

Artemis: You, in other words. -_-;;;  It's the award for...

  <ONE-ON-ONE FIGHT YOU MOST WANT TO SEE!>

Reysol: There were many responses, none of which made much sense.

Artemis: So, we're going to use the characters that got voted for the
  most and pair them up.

Reysol: So award goes to... Ryoko Vs. Amy!  Congratulations to these
  noble martial artists.

Artemis: <clamps her hand over her mouth to muffle her laughter>

Reysol: ?

Artemis: Nothing, nothing...  This next award goes to the...

   <BEST FREE-FOR-ALL FIGHT!>

Reysol: A free-for-all fight is defined by the J-League Tournament
  Circuit as a battle in which at least four persons are involved,
  with at least one on either side.

Artemis: Really, like I care.  The winning battle is...  GRIT
  vs. Epsilon!

Reysol: May I see some footage of that epic battle, so that I can
  increase my battle knowledge?

Artemis: The answer to your question is no.  And, finally, we have
  another hopefully predictive award...

  <FREE-FOR-ALL FIGHT YOU MOST WANT TO SEE!>

Reysol: I am very much in suspense.

Artemis: And the winner is, GRITers vs. the Musk crew!  A fight that
  I'm sure will be coming along shortly.

Reysol: I will be sure to participate.

Artemis: The hell you will, one-shot. ;p  But here's a word from our
  sponsor.

---

  <Chyron is sitting on her bed in her bedroom.  Everything is pink and
  frilly and lacy, and looks like somebody fed lingerie to a goose until
  it exploded.  The bedspread and the floor are littered with spent candy
  wrappers, but she somehow manages to locate one that hasn't been
  emptied yet.  She rips it open, and lays into the chocolate goodness
  inside vigorously.>

Chyron: When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I feel the sensation of
  a cool breeze blowing (uhhhh...) all the way up my skirt, and...

Amy: Oh, no, you don't!

  <She lunges across the screen, tackling Chyron around the neck and
  knocking her to the floor before she can go any further.>

---

Artemis: Well, how about that?  And let's all give a big hand to Chyron
  who agreed to be publicly humiliated over and over again for cheap
  laughs!

Reysol: Agreed?

Artemis: I'm sure she would, if she had any choice.  Speaking of
  hypotheticals, it's time for my favorite part of the show!

Reysol: Ah, you are referring to the "Who Should Be In GRIT" awards!

Artemis: ...it's not over yet?

Reysol: No, we must award the trophy for...

  <REAL PERSON WHO SHOULD BE IN GRIT!>

Reysol: It seems that Tommy Corey put in a strong showing in this award
  with three points, two of which he did not himself enter.

Artemis: OH, DEAR GOD, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Reysol: Luckily, he was bested by the martial arts legend, Wong Fei-Hung.

Artemis: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh, okay.

Reysol: Wong Fei-Hung was a Chinese historical figure.

Artemis: Who was born sometime between 1860 and 1920, depending on which
  movie you watch.

Reysol: He fought valiantly to free China from the yoke of Barbarian
  oppression.

Artemis: And fought with the Drunken Boxing style!

Reysol: Interestingly, he was younger than his own stepmother.

Artemis: Even more interestingly, he was younger than his own father!

Reysol: Now, to accept this trophy, live from Hong Kong, Mr. Jackie Chan!

  <The screen lowers again.  If we can afford it, video of Jackie Chan is
  superimposed over it.  If we can't afford that, the cartoon Jackie Chan
  is drawn there.  If we can't afford that, put up a photo of him and
  stick somebody else's lips on it.>

Jackie: I thank the... the many much for my award, the award it gave!
  I will use award for good, and... and you can too have the award!
  <smiles charmingly>

Artemis: Oh, my god, I'm humiliated to even be associated with that.
  -_-;;;

Reysol: It's alright.  Kwong-Sang-san's martial skills humiliate us all,
  Artemis.

Artemis: To wash that bad taste from our mouths, we now present the award
  for...

  <FICTIONAL CHARACTER WHO SHOULD BE IN GRIT!>

Reysol: For this award, many entries were received:  Arthur Dent, Baron
  Munchausen, Winnie the Pooh, B.B. Hood, Inu Yasha...

Artemis: Many of which we don't even recognize: Merlin of Chaos,
  Aburatsubo, Satomi Yajima, Kaola Suu, Haruko Haruhara...

Reysol: So we decided to give the award to Doctor Doppler.

Artemis: 'Specialized in creating smart and top class robot.'

Reysol: 'Known in the world by creating a "city" where robot and human
  live together.'

Artemis: 'But behind that, he is planning to commit crime by using the
  Nightmare Police.'

  <The screen descends again, displaying a blank scene with the caption
  "Live Via Satellite from 21XX" on the bottom.  It fades in on a metal
  door with a stylized "D" painted on it, which slides open, unleashing
  waves of dry ice fog.  Behind it, an elderly, lab coat-clad gentleman
  with a long beard and wild hair turns to the camera and holds his
  fist in the air triumphantly.  High above, the upper half of a large,
  bald-headed robot hangs from the ceiling.>

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Artemis: I refer you to clause number three in the Rules.

  <A riot ensues.>

---

  <How Chyron Eats a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.>

  <Chyron is sitting on her bed in her bedroom.  Everything is pink and
  frilly and lacy, and looks like somebody fed lingerie to a goose until
  it exploded.  She holds a chocolate morsel delicately between her thumb
  and forefinger, with her pinkie sticking out.>

Chyron: First, I daintily nibble away at the rim...

  <Does so for 30% of the Cup, then shoves the entire thing in her
  mouth.>

Chyron: <mouth full> Mmmph, mmmph, mmmph.

  <There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.>

Jo: (Voice Over) You ate the whole BAG?

---

  <When the awards show comes back, martial law has restored order to
  the studio.  Artemis holds her sword out warily, and Reysol stays in
  a combat stance.>

Artemis: Well, Kashiwa-kun, we've reached the final set of GRITTY awards.

Reysol: I wonder, honorable Artemis, what does GRITTY stand for?

Artemis: Oh, late ballots, poor math, RLs throwing fits...

Reysol: But what is it an acronym for?

Artemis: It means, "GRIT's Really Insane Through-and-Through, Yes?"

Reysol: Very interesting.

Artemis: Only Insane is spelled without an "s".

Reysol: However, this is the portion of the show that honors the greatest
  of the epic stories that have been told in GRIT so far.

Artemis: And our first award in that category is for...

  <MOST EXCITING STORYLINE!>

Reysol: The competition for this award burned with the Spirit of Justice,
  however the winner by far was the thread of Ranma vs Tarou and Ryuu
  Kumon!  Say, where is the award?

Artemis: <walking off stage> I'm taking it.

Reysol: Excuse me, the show is not over yet.

Artemis: Wanna bet? <leaves>

Reysol: Er... <sweatdrop> Can I have another hostess, please?

  <Chyron is shoved onstage by unseen hands, and stumbles forward
  into Reysol.>

Chyron: Er, hello. ^^;;

Reysol: <cough> Could you move a few feet away?

Chyron: Right. -_-;;  This next award goes to commemorate the funniest
  plotline in GRIT.

  <FUNNIEST STORYLINE!>

Reysol: There were many worthy contenders who tried to make the title
  biased, such as "The bit where the GRITers met up with their fans",
  or the Opera.

Chyron: But the GRITTY award goes to the Weekend at Tarou's thread!
  Accepting the award is the person who made it all possible, Lo
  Shin!

  <Lo Shin walks on stage in a tight Chinese dress, teetering back and
  forth on her high heels, and takes up the award.>

Lo Shin: Wow, thanks!  What is this, 12 karat?  24 karat?

Reysol: Actually, these awards are pure, 36 karat...

Lo Shin: *_*

Chyron: Bronze.

Lo Shin: -_-;;;

Reysol: I'm confused, Chyron-san...

Chyron: It wore off, okay?  I don't want to talk about it. >_<;;;

Reysol: <sweatdrop> No, I mean, what's so funny about a weekend at
  Tarou's?

Chyron: Oh, well, there was a magic potion that got everybody drunk off
  their asses, so...

Reysol: Ah, I can see why that is funny.

Chyron: Why are you looking at me like that? -_-;;;

Reysol: I'm picturing you drunk.  It's a very comical image, with you
  flailing around like an elephant, and breaking wind, and-<gets his
  face pressed into the podium as Chyron grinds her elbow against his
  neck> That hurts.

Chyron: Exactly. >_<

Reysol: It now... brings us great honor... to... <slips free> present the
  ultimate award of tonight's ceremony.  

  <BEST STORYLINE!>

Reysol: This is the greatest honor that can be bestowed at the GRITTYies.

Chyron: Or, at least, the last one.  And the winner of the GRITTY for
  Best Storyline of all GRIT history is...









Reysol: The Holy Hairclipper Quest!

Chyron: This trophy will be held in escrow for several more years, and
  presented then. ;p

Reysol: Might I inquire as to why that storyline was called the Holy
  Hairclipper Quest?

Chyron: Well, because it was a quest for Holy Hairclippers.

Reysol: And those were the things we fought over?  The blunt objects?

Chyron: Er... yes.  Jo needed them to keep her hair from growing, see?

Reysol: But hairclippers don't stop hair growth, they make hair shorter.

...

Chyron: Goodnight, everyone. -_-;;

-- 

                       |  "No mercy.  For someone who would use children
Kuno Christoffel       |   as pawns in his plot for global domination...
deva@wizard.net        |   I CAN SHOW NO MERCY!"
www.wizard.net/~deva   |                              - God Fire Convoy,
                       |                  "Devil Gigatron Strikes Back!"