From: "Jason Heavensrun" <jeisanhr@aol.commissary>
Subject: [GRIT] The GRITTY Awards (2/3)
Date: Thursday, 5 April 2001 3:53 PM

<Nifty 3D rendered logo>
And the 5th anniversary GRIT Gala shall return, in a moment!

Voice:  Okay, Try it again, boys, take it from the top.

Pig:  Bweeeee!

Duck:  Waaaak!

Panda:  Uuuurrrf.

Pig:  Bweeeee!

Duck:  Waaaak!

Panda:  Uuuurrrf.

Lizard1:  <thick New York accent>  Oh, you guys stink!  You're worse then the
frogs!  How could I lose the audition to you losers?

Lizard2:  Larry, give it up.  You're not getting the part.

Lizard1:  Well, yeah, but that's 'cause the producer's still ticked off at me.

Lizard2:  I'll say.  Not only did you bump off all three frogs, you slept with
the producer's eggs.

Lizard1:  They -swore- to me they were hatched, I swear!

Lizard2:  <sigh>

<a truck drives by and squashes both lizards, followed by a tagline "Budwiser" 
to further sounds of the Jusenkyo cursees trying to duplicate the name of the
famously notorious beer>

---

<shot of Epsilon walking through Nerima.  He comes to a building.  The building
is clearly labeled on the side "Helpless small orphan's shelter, please do not
destroy."  He ponders, slightly annoyed, as the building appears to be in his
way.>

Oo doo do DOO do doo, doo-waaaaaaah!

<As the ridiculously easily recognizable jingle kicks in, Epsilon takes out a
small roll of mint candies, and pops one into his mouth, then steps forward and
lifts up the corner of the building, swerves it over several meters, and then
drops it with a thunderous "boom" in the middle of the street.  Several cars
come screeching to a halt and one actually impacts with the side of the
now-weakened structure, causing it to crumble further.  A number of orphans
come rushing to the windows, peeking out in horror at the monster of a man who
did this to their home, their eyes a mixture of horror and awe.

<Epsilon flashes an extremely mechanical looking smile and holds up the mints,
where the logo "Vemptos" is clearly visible.

<Everyone in the hospital rolls their eyes and grins like idiots, some laughing
moronically at that scamp Epsilon and his wacky vempyre hijinks.>

Announcer:  Vemptos!  The pla-cater!


<impressive looking 3D logo and orchestral fanfare>

---

And now, we will return to the 5th anniversary GRIT gala after these words from
our sponsors.

---

Cut through various scenes of a girl gossiping about her date that night, and
how she thinks they might actually kiss this time.  A young boy nervously pulls
into his dates house and walks up and knocks on the door. The door opens,
slowly, and after a brief greeting with her parents, the boy hurries her out to
the car, and the drive away.

"So, where would you like to get dinner?"

The boy looks forward at a McDonalds, then looks at her, smiling.

"Sure, if you want."  The girl pulls her jacket closed at the front, completely
removing all cleavage from sight, and crosses her legs in such a way as to
present the concept of an impenetrable barrier.  The boy's enthusiasm shrinks
like a shrinkie-dink.

<RLJason pauses to wonder if -anyone- will get that reference>

<Cut to the scene later, the boy and his girlfriend walk out of a very
expensive looking Italian restaurant>  He isn't wearing a shirt, or pants, or
much of anything besides his underwear, having had to hock all those things to
pay for his dinner bill, but the girl seems pleased, and has removed her jacket
emphasizing her abundantly curvaceous youthful figure.>

"So, did you enjoy the dinner?"

"Yeah...Too bad you had the garlic bread."  <the girl chews on a toothpick and
gets in the car, ready to go home.>

Boy:  <sighs forlornly>

<jingle>  McDonalds.  Want to not go broke today...</jingle>

---

<extremely cheesy and elaborately 3D animated short film documenting the behind
the scenes footage of the creation of the logo for the GRITTYs...>

And back to our 5th anniversary gala!  After these brief messages.  OW!  Hey,
that stage was expensive, and the statues aren't exactly CHEAP either, you
know, so STOP COMPLAINING, and we'll get back to the show when we bloody CAN,
okay???

---

 back to the show.

---

Announcer:  And now, to present our next group of awards, "best couple"
nominees Jo Heavensrun and Scott Schimmel!

<Jo and Scott walk on stage from behind a nearby curtain.  Jo is wearing a
rather snug red sequined dress with a low cut neck.  Her demon hunter's ring
gleams in the light of the cameras, and a pair of yin-yang shaped earrings. 
Scott is wearing a generic black tuxedo.  Guys are rather boring to describe at
fashionable occasions, aren't they?>

Jo:  <steps up to the microphone and adjusts it to her height, then clears her
throat>  Well, it's hard to believe how far we've come over the past five
years.  It seems that when I first arrived here in Nerima, I knew hardly a
soul, and now  to be here surrounded by all these people, so many who I've
known and worked with...

Scott:  Cut the sentimentals and stick to the teleprompter, Jo.  This show runs
on a schedule.  OOF!

Jo:  <retracting her elbow from Scott's side, and speaking in a slightly more
"read" voice.>  It's not often that we get a chance to voice admiration for one
another in such a public situation.  So many of us have those we've looked up
to and admired for these past five years, as well as those we've just plain
envied.

Scott:  <rubbing his side>  And...<wince>  In commemoration of that admiration
and mutual respect, it is with great pleasure that we announce the winner for
"Character Most Envied", or "The person I would most like to be."

Jo:  <opens an envelope>  And the winner is...<pause to read>  <blush>  Scott
Schimmel.

Scott:  <blinkblink>  people want to be -me-?  -Why-?

Jo:  Probably because you're caught in a bizarre love polygon with a bisexual
superpowered demonhunter, two distinct variations on the Ukkclone theme, A cute
psychic girl with glasses, and probably Hellina, too if she happens to see how
good you look in that tuxedo.

Hellina:  <from the audience>  YEE-HAW!  <fires a shot in the air, accidentally
taking out one of the stage lights.>

Scott:  ^^;;;  Next category...  <ahem>  <a large heart appears on a massive
screen behind them, ballooning up until it's easily the size of the entire
stage>

Jo:  Of course, in addition to having those who we wish we could be, we also
all have those we wish we could get to know a little better.  In honor of our
next batch of categories, we'll begin by covering that most guarded of
questions..."Which GRIT characters do you wish you could be lovers with?"

Scott:  <Unfolding the envelope>  And the winner is...Ueki Kuonji!

<the Camera cuts to Ueki, who blushes fiercely and fidgets nervously in her
chair, reluctant to leave as the people around her stand up and start
applauding...After what seems like an age, she manages to step up onto stage,
wearing a soft cotton dress adorned in earth tones>

Ueki:  <taking the GRITty as she steps up to the podium, Jo and Scott standing
back to give her room to talk>  Er...Well, I'm not really sure who I should
thank for this...honor...^^;  I suppose I should thank my sister, Ukyou, who
kept in shape all those years and provided me with an attractive body...And Al,
who's love and support and...other attributes enabled me to...<blush>  Get in
touch with certain aspects of myself...And Scott, who...is a really good friend
and nothing more then that, and...Er...I rather wish you'd all quit undressing
me with your eyes...^^;  Thankyouverymuch.  <hurries off stage and returns to
her seat next to Al-X as Jo and Scott walk back up to the podium>

Jo:  Aheheh...^^;

Scott:  <cough>  Ladies and gentlemen.  Van Halen, and their new lead singer,
Ricky Martin.

Jo:  0_o  no...

Ricky Martin:  Hello everyone I am happy to be hear!  ^_^

members of the rest of Van Halen:  <tuning instruments>

Jo:  NOOOOOOOO!!!!  SHISHIHOUKODAN!

<BOOM>

Ricky Martin:  AAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Jo:  <hands outstretched, palms forward smoking with energy as Jo stares
blankly at the space Van Halen had been occupying before they committed rather
impressive leaps which resulted in them clinging to elements of the stage to
try and stay away from the psycho devil girl in the cute cleavage- showing
dress>  Worse then Sammy Hagar...It must be a nightmare...It couldn't have been
real...((@_@))

Scott:  <ahem>  Since Jo has gone bye-bye and our next musical act has
been...disrupted, I suppose we should move on to the next category.  Jo, read
the nice words on the teleprompter.

Jo:  <robotically>  Since the earliest ecchi fanservice in the history of this
distinguished thread people have had the opportunity to see all manner of
romantic pairings likely and unlikely take place some have proceeded to a
physical level some have not but all have led to speculation.

Scott:  <sweatdrop>  And so without further adeiu, the nominees for "Characters
You Most Want to See Doing 'It'".  I'm sure RLJason will be taking notes for
drawing ideas, ne, Jo?

Jo:  Youbetcha scott-sama i'm sure he's making a list as we speak.

Scott:  Are you feeling okay?  It's just -Ricky- -Martin- for god's sake.  It's
not like it was the Backstreet Boys or something.

Jo:  <sniffle>  Poor Aerosmith... ;_;  <the camera cuts to a shot of the
audience, where Jei is struggling, rather failingly not to sob like a little
baby, while Mariko holds him to her shoulder, frowning sympathetically>

Scott:  H'okay, touched a nerve.  Anyway, the nominees are, in no particular
order:

Jo:  <regaining her composure>  Ryoko Kyutto, Yuri Kiseki, and
Futile...er...For their mutual attractiveness and the fact that at least one
threesome had to be mentioned here.

Scott:  <sweatdrop>  <read>  <BLUSH>  Er...<cough>  Jo Heavensrun and...Scott
Schimmel, for...I'm not reading that.  -_-

Jo:  <BLUSH>  And Ukkyo Kuonji and Amy Tagle, for their work together in the
Weekend at Tarou's thread.

Scott:  And the GRITTY goes to...

Jo:  <pulls out the envelope>  By -overwhelming- majority...<sighs with half
disappointment>  Ukkyo Kuonji and Amy Tagle>  <the crowd erupts into applause,
jeers, hoots, etc, as Amy and Ukkyo are pushed on from off stage by a number of
large, powerful looking arms.  As they shuffle distastefully closer to the
podium, glaring at each other as they do so, Jo and Scott back away nervously>

Amy:  <reaching the mike first>  I'd just like to start this off by saying that
I am in -no- way attracted to that overbearing psychotic bitch, and reaffirm
the fact that I slept with Jo's female form because of emotional ties, not
because of any kind of physical attraction.

Ukkyo:  And I'd like to second that by saying that there's no reason why I
would be interested in a flat-chested little man-stealer with absolutely
nothing over me in terms of sex appeal.  But I can understand why men would
want to see the two of us locked in a passionate, naked embrace...

Amy:  Delicately exploring one another's bodies...

Ukkyo:  As we moan out one another's names again, and again, and again as we
work our way up to higher and higher throes of ecstasy...

Amy:  Unfortunately, none of you ever will.

Ukkyo:  <BEEDAH>

Amy & Ukkyo:  <run offstage, giggling like idiots and leaning against each
other for support>

Jo:  0_o

Scott:  0_o  

Jo:  <blink>  6.6  Woo!

Scott:  Hmm?  6_6 ... 0_o  <covers an unsightly bulge in his pants as Jo
unconsciously scoots a little closer behind the podium>

Jo:  <Ahem>  Our next category is a bit on the silly side.

Scott:  And the others weren't?

Jo:  Shut it, stiffie.  ;p

Scott:  >_<

Jo:  If, for some reason, you've ever wished some GRITter would turn into a
pickle, and you cast your vote, this is your chance to find out if the rest of
GRIT agrees with you.

Scott:  <grumble>  And the winner in this category is...Trina Kuonji!

Trina:  <storming onstage>  What the heck Is -this- supposed to mean?  >_<  I
demand to know how this came about!  I want a recount!

Jo:  You beat everyone else out by a 3-1 ratio.  I don't think this is Florida.

Trina:  >_<  <takes the GRITTY>  This awards show is stu-<turns into a pickle>

Jo:  Well, at least you can be used as a phallic substitute.  ;p

Scott:  ^^;  This show is degenerating rapidly.

Jo:  Don't blame me, I'm not writing this post.

<pikus all around>

Ukkyo:  <quietly creeps onto stage while Jo and Scott are preparing for the
next category, then snatches the pickle and runs offstage, where more giggling
can be heard>

Scott:  <Eyeing envelopes>  Well, at least we can get away from the stupid
categories and onto some -slightly- less frivolous ones.

Jo:  Anou, Scott, do Amy and Ukkyo seem to be acting a little...Out of
character?

Scott:  <ignoring Jo>  Next up comes the category of "Most Courageous Hero".

Jo:  <warily eyeing the backstage area out of the corner of her eye> 
Er...Right...Anyway,  GRIT is a world of heroism and mystery.  And what world
of heroism would be complete without, well, heroes.  So this is our opportunity
to pay tribute to those who have put themselves on the line for the sake of
others.

Scott:  And the winner of this category is...Steve Scougall!

Jo:  <applauds half heartedly, craning her neck over to try and see where Ukkyo
and Amy had gone...>

Steve:  <steps sheepishly onto the stage and shakes Scott's hand, then
scratches the back of his head as he steps up to the podium>  Aheh...Well, I
mean...I guess it's really nothing, really...^^;;;

<awkward pause>

<applause as Steve nervously stumbles away from the podium and offstage.  Scott
grabs Jo by the arm as she tries to creep towards the backstage area and pulls
her back up to the podium with him>

Scott:  Well said, Steven.

Jo:  <reading the teleprompter>  Hey, Scott.  You know, you and Steve have kind
of similar names.  Does that ever lead to confusion when you're dealing with
new people?

Scott:  I'm not reading that anecdote.

Jo:  ^^;

<pause as a certain RL, (you know who you are,)  throws VHS casettes boxes of
samurai movies at RLJason>

Scott:  Next up, in the category of "Most Intentionally Pathetic Hero", the
winner by popular vote...

Jo:  Is a tie, between Steven Scougall, and Jiro Atomu!  <Steve and Jiro come
up and get their awards.  Do more funny things happen?  Maybe.  I'm too tired
to write them!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!>

Jo:  Ne, Scott, If Ukkyo and Amy are acting like that, do you think perhaps
it's a sign that this whole thing is out of continuity?

Scott:  Well, of -course- it is.  We've broken the fourth wall -far- too many
times for it -not- to be.  Why do you a-

Jo:  <slightly bishoujo eyes>  So...Whatever happens here has no consequences
in continuity?  #*_*#

Scott:  <backing away nervously>  Er...Next category...

Jo:  <hanging on Scott's harm>  Our next Category is for the baddest of the
bad...

Scott:  The  most evil hombres this side of the Mississippi, and yes I -did-
get paid to say that.  <pockets a fifty handed to him from off camera>

Jo:  The BADDEST villain, in the HISTORY of GRIT!

Scott:  Of course, this wasn't really much of a contest, thanks to certain
people's Dragonball fandom and obsession with dark and disturbing plot
twists...

Jo:  But  Sumire had already -won- too many categories, so we decided to give
it to Epsilon.

<APPLAUSE>

Scott:  So let's hear it for Epsi.  <wet rubber chicken is conspicuously
absent>

<applause>

<clap>

<clapclap>

<clap>

Jo:  Unfortunately, at the end of the battle at Turnip Keep, Epsilon was
completely discombobulated by a concentrated blast of spiritual and emotional
energy  which resulted in his complete and total annihilation from existence. 
So since he's croaked the bucket, Mist is going to accept the award in his
place.

<unenthusiastic applause>

Mist:  <steps up to the podium>  Indeed.  <several beanie babies bounce off his
ki sheild>  Whilst my dark past rarely causes me anything more then absolute
and complete vilifying sorrow in the face of all the atrocities I have
committed, and though I would gladly sacrifice my own existence to avoid being
reminded of the horrors I have visited upon good and innocent people, and while
I find myself completely vile and lothesome, indeed a  true freak of nature, a
being of evil heritage that surely does not deserve to exist in the same
universe with such noble and loyal friends as yourselves...

Jo:  <to Scott>  I'm thinking maybe we should see about getting him
counseling...

Mist:  It is with a heavy heart that I accept this award...And though all those
things I said are true, I truly am forced to confess that I find the design of
the statue most aesthetically pleasing, and believe that it will make an
excellent conversation piece  as well as a bit of a personal decoration for my
coffee table in my reading room.  So I thank you all for this statuette, and in
memory of my brother's wishes, I shall reduce you all to smoking cinders of
burnt flesh, death beyond death, in such a manner you could never return.

Scott:  0_o

All: <GASP>

Mist:  <eyes flash blue>  That was an attempt at humor.  I apologize, my
dearest friends...Forgive me!  <runs offstage>

Jo:  <cough>  Er...Well, back to the categories

Mist:  <slowly backs onstage once more, his eyes glowing pink beyond pink, to
the point of emanating pink, embarrassed-looking energy from his pupil-less
eyes.>  Verily, I do believe such a place as this should be more isolated, for
the privacy of the participants...My apologies, m'ladies...

Jo:  <Trying -really- hard to look backstage without wandering too far from the
podium>

Scott:  Next category is "Most Intentionally Pathetic Villian".

Jo:  Two words.

Scott:  Comic.

Jo:  Relief.

Scott:  The winner of the GRITTY for MIPV is...

Jo:  <craning her head in as she snuggles his arm>  Fire in a Bubble!

<APPLAUSE>

FIAB:  AT LAST, MY TIME HAS COME, SOON NOW THE POWER OF YOUR CHEERS WILL ENABLE
ME TO ATTAIN MY PREVIOUS POW-  <pop>  <fire in a bubble pops, and the fire
extinguishes, a small pile of ash collecting on the ground where he popped. 
After a few moments, a cute little cherub swoops down and, using a soapy bubble
blower, blows a relatively large (for the cherub's size) Bubble over the ashes,
which turns back into fire in a bubble.  A sudden draft blows him offstage> 
EGAD!  SUCH INDECENCY WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, LADIE<pop>

Jo:  <still trying periodically to get a glimpse of what's going on backstage> 
Er, isn't it time for a commercial break?

Scott:  Next category in this segment of our program has to do with Jusenkyou
curses.

Jo:  Of course, there have been a lot of Jusenkyou Cursees in the history of
GRIT, so we thought we would collect them all and do a nice little musical
number for you...

Scott:  But that would take far too much time to write.

Jo:  So we're going to be silent for about twelve lines, and you can imagine
your own descriptive in there.  Remember, we're pretending we put a lot of time
and effort into this, so make sure you imagine something impressive.  ^_^













Scott:  <wipes a bit of sweat from his brow>  Wow, that was quite a workout of
a number.   That bit with the backflips was very impressive, Jo.

Jo:  Thanks, Scott.  I owe it all to training.  ^_^;

Scott:  At any rate, the winner of the vote for best Jusenkyou curse is...

Jo:  Spring of drowned Dragon-half, created by...

Scott:  ...

Jo:  ...Does anybody even remember whose idea that -was-?

All:  ...?

Scott:  Anyway, it's irrelevant.  I've been informed by our cue man that the
musical number ran a bit longer then expected...

Jo:  Well, -you're- the one that started the congo line...

Scott:  ...So we're going to have time for just one more category before going
back to break.

Billy Crystal:  Oy, you guys put on a longer show then -I- do!

Jo:  And, the winner for "Jusenkyo Curse You Most Want to See" is...

Scott:  A ten way tie?  0_o

Jo:  <takes the list>  " Spring of drowned Self-insert Fanfiction Author", "
Spring of Drowned RL", "SoD Person Who Has No Jusenkyo Curse", "SoD shoujo
anime character", "SoD Blade"  ((0_o)), "SoD Amy", "SoD Ukklone", "SoD Fluffy
Stuffed Crocodile", "SoD Bunny Rabbit", and "SoD Gainax Females".

Scott:  It occurs to me that some form of nominations might have been in order
for categories like this.

Jo:  <hurriedly> 
Anywayasithappensit'stimeforacommercialbreaksotheGRIT5thanniversarygalawil
lbebackaftertheseshortmessages!  <dashes towards the edge of the stage, but
then facefaults as Amy and Ukkyo walk out, clothing disheveled but present,
smiling contentedly>  Dammit.  ;_;

Scott:  Stay tuned, everyone, the winners for the final categories for the
GRITTY's have yet to be brought forth, but they will be, after these short
messages.

Jo:  That's what I said.  -_-;

<insert impressive moving GRITTY's logo here>


Remove the "missary" from "commisary" to e-mail
http://www.wizard.net/~deva/check/
Jason Heavensrun
AKA the Intermittent Admin...
Founder and current Nantan of the Global Ranma Insanity Thread...
"Verfluchen Sie jene schlechten Kraken..."