From: Kuno Christoffel <deva@wizard.net>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime.misc
Subject: [GRIT] The GRITTY Awards (1/3)
Date: Wed, 4 Apr 2001 19:33:23 -0400
Organization: Checkmate Enterprises
Message-ID: <MPG.1535794e8f4406be9897c2@news.newsguy.com>

<LIVE!  From On-Air East, it's the GRIT Fifth Anniversary GRITTY Awards!
  And now, here are your hosts, Amy Tagle...>

Amy: <walks on from the left side of the stage, wearing a tight black,
  backless v-necked gown> <waves>

<...and Chyron Kuno!>

Chyron: <with some difficulty, walks on from the right side of the stage,
  wearing (barely) a sequined silver ballgown, cut way up on her hip>

Amy: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the GRITTY Awards, commemorating the
  best of the first five years of GRIT!

Chyron: <reading woodenly> Amy-can-you-believe-GRIT-has-been?

<pause>

Chyron: Around-for-five-years?

Amy: Yeah, and in all that time you've never changed your underwear. 
  Whew! <holds her nose>

Chyron: You've-got-that-WHAT?

Amy: Na ha ha ha ha!

<A minor scuffle ensues.>

Arissa: Hooray!

Amy: <drags her way back up to the podium> It's just a joke, you fat
  eleph-eep! <blushes and pulls the hem of her dress down below her
  waist>

Chyron: <stands up as well> At least I have a *chest*! <realises that
  she's falling out of the front of her dress, and this fact is
  abundantly obvious> Eep! <covers herself with her arms>

Audience: <disappointed groan>

Chyron: <blush> Well...

<She is about to expose herself again, when Amy forcibly re-inserts her
  into her dress.>

Amy: Well, I'm sure everybody is waiting to hear the winners...

Chyron: So here's Jei, with a special song for GRIT's Fifth Anniversary!

<The lights dim, and Jei walks onto a special platform at the back of the
  stage.  Many girls in the audience begin to scream as he starts his
  song...>

Jei: It was five years ago
     Tooi Ginga no Kanata kara
     Monogatari wa hajimatta

Chyron: <counting on her fingers>
        "It was five years ago,
        "From beyond the distant galaxy,
        "The legend began?"

Jei: It was five years ago
     Ai to Heiwa o Mamoru tame
     Hikari no Senshi wa yattekita

Chyron: "It was five years ago,
        "In order to protect love and peace,
        "The Warrior of Light showed up?"

Amy: <grabs Jei by the hair and starts to drag him off the stage> Okay,
  that's enough!

Jei: Wait!  I haven't even gotten to the part about the boy's sky!

Amy: You've got that right! <BOOT>

  <Jei is booted into the audience.>

Chyron: <ahem> Now, Amy, what would GRIT be like without female
  characters?

Amy: Well, without you, it'd smell a lot nicer, that's for sure.

Chyron: >_<;;; <whispers something into Amy's ear>

Amy: O_O;;;;;;;;

Chyron: Now, Amy, what would GRIT be like without female characters? ;p

Amy: I guess all the guys would have to have sex with each other.

  <Both of them lean forward on the podium as their knees go weak and
  sigh, staring dreamily into space.>

Chyron: Anyway, we're going to Steve, I mean, *Stark*, I mean, *START*
  tonight with the category of...

  <CUTEST FEMALE CHARACTER!>

Amy: And the undisputed winner, with eight points is... Sumire!

  <Several people in the audience yell as Sumire bounces off of their
  heads to reach the stage, where she snatches the award from Amy's
  hand.>

Sumire: Yay!  I want to thank Pen-chan, and Amy-chan, and Chy-chan
  and everybody who voted for me!  Yay!  Yay!

  <A trap door opens underneath her, and she drops through it.>

Sumire: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.......

Chyron: <cleans out one ear with her pinky, making a loud squeaking
  noise>

Amy: Well.  This next award is for...

  <SEXIEST FEMALE CHARACTER!>

Chyron: Our congratulations go to Mariko, who received the most points, a
  total of eight.

Mariko: <stands up and hugs Jei>

Amy: But, of course, she's disqualified for not being a female character.
  <moves aside just in time to avoid being hit in the head with a
  haddock>

Chyron: Next is Ueki, who pulled in a respectable four points, but is
  disqualified for being a werewolf. <ducks moments before a shovel
  flies through the air where her head had been>

Amy: Then we have Xong Rose, who got two points, but is also disqualified
  due to the Darkstalker clause.

  <The entire stage explodes under heavy laser fire from the audience,
  leaving Amy and Chyron covered with soot, their singed hair sticking
  out, wearing blackened glasses and the smouldering remains of their
  dresses.>

Amy: <cough>

Chyron: Also we received votes for Ryuushin, Terra, Yuri, Jo, Rouge,
  Trina and Poseidon, and we'll figure out reasons to disqualify them
  later.

Amy: <grabs the melted trophy and pockets it somewhere> I'll hold on to
  this until we do.

Chyron: ("Damn.")  Now we have the award for...

  <"FUNNIEST FEMALE CHARACTER.">

Amy: The runner-up in this category, with four points, was Sumire.

Sumire: <muffled> Yay!

Chyron: But the winner, with double that score, is... Ryoko!

  <Ryoko dances on from the side of the stage.>

Ryoko: Yay, yay, yay, bun, bun, bun!
       I won, won, won, hey, hey, hey!
       I got the trophie, for me me me!

Chyron: <hands her the trophy> Oh, be quiet. -_-;;;

Ryoko: You be quiet, you big dumb beetle!

Amy: That's "dung" beetle. ;p

Chyron: <glares as Ryoko dances away> Is it so wrong for me to want to
  win something?

Amy: <patpat> There, there.  I'm sure you're going to win an award soon.

Chyron: Speaking of awards, here's the one for...

  <LEAST ATTRACTIVE FEMALE CHARACTER>

Chyron: And the winner in this closely-contested race is... <opens the
  envelope> <sob>

Amy: Chyron Kuno! <puts the award on Chyron's head like a hat>

Chyron: If I find out who...

Amy: No chance!  There's no way I would tell you it was RL-Vince's idea.

RL-Vince: Eep!  Cut to commercial!

---

Test Your GRIT: GRIT is loosely based on a popular manga series.  Which
                one?

Answer: Fhcre Qbpgbe X.

---

Amy: Welcome back!  Now, Chyron, what's the one thing that GRIT needs
  more of?

Chyron: Guys.  At least one more, at any rate. -_-;;;

Amy: Right!  Here are the awards for GRIT's worse half, starting with...

  <COOLEST MALE CHARACTER!>

Chyron: In this category, Scott Schimmel received four points, which
  would make him the winner...

Scott: <starts to stand up>

Amy: If Jei Heavensrun hadn't gotten five!

  <Jei walks onstage in a tuxedo, to some applause.  Chyron makes
  a congratulatory lunge towards him, but Amy reaches him first and
  plants a kiss on his cheek.>

Jei: Well, I guess I would like to thank...

Amy: No time!  No time! <starts to violently hustle him towards the edge
  of the stage>

Jei: Hey, what're you doing?

Amy: Hurry up!  We have to get you off so the next recipient can come
  on!  Go, go, go!

Chyron: Our next category decides once and for all who is GRIT's...

  <SEXIEST MALE CHARACTER!>

Amy: And the winner is... Jei Heavensrun!

Jei: <walks back on the stage> -_-;;;

<He picks up his second award in his other hand, and tries to remember
  his speech.>

Jei: Er, thank you very much for this award, but I'm afraid I'm taken.
  ^^;;

Amy: Oh, that's okay, most of your votes came from other guys. ;p

Jei: O_o;;;;

Chyron: Now, as a special reward... <is about to kiss Jei on the cheek,
  but Amy beats her to it> >_<;;;

  <Jei walks off, doubtlessly to be berated.>

Amy: Of course, not every guy cares about being cool or sexy.

Chyron: We call these guys "losers".

Amy: Now, from the list of the only guys Chyron has a chance with...

Chyron: !O_O!

Amy: ...we present the award for...

  <FUNNIEST MALE CHARACTER!>

Chyron: The runner-up in this category, with four points, was Steve
  Scougall... *sigh*

Amy: And narrowly beating out Steve Scougall Sigh with his six points,
  is Al-X!

  <Al, in werewolf form, lopes onto the stage, and starts furiously
  scribbling an acceptance speech on a series of signs.  Chyron puckers
  up, and leans forward, only to watch helplessly as Amy kisses him on
  the nose and scratches him behind the ears.>

Amy: And, finally, the last category in the male character section of
  the ballot...

  <LEAST ATTRACTIVE MALE CHARACTER!>

Chyron: This race turned out to be a ten-way tie, so we're giving the
  award jointly to Aoryuu and Kon Tatsu.

  <SFX: Mwa-mwa-mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...>

  <The two walk on from opposite sides of the stage.  There is a drum
  roll, and Amy chops the trophy in half.  She presents one half to
  Aoryuu, and gives him a peck on the cheek, while Chyron hands the other
  half to Kon Tatsu, and starts violently groping him and giving him a
  kiss with as much sucking power as a Hoover vacuum.>

Kon Tatsu: GAH!  Get it off of me!  A hippo is smothering me!  Cut to
  commercial!

---

Test your GRIT: Which popular GRIT villain did not supposedly fake the
  appearance of his imitated death?

Answer: Vs lbh qvqa'g abg fnl Ncbyyb, jr jrera'g jebat.

---

Chyron: Very unattractive, that boy. -_-;;;

Amy: However, here are some boys that aren't unattractive, in the race
  for...

  <BEST ROMANTIC PAIRING!>

Chyron: We had many different votes cast in this category...

Amy: But there were two clear winners.

Chyron: Ueki and Al, and Jo and Scott.  However, since Jo and Scott is
  just weird...

Amy: And I'm going to kill everyone who voted for it...

Chyron: Ueki and Al win!  This is a great victory for lazy, loser RLs who
  run both halves of their character romances.

  <She promptly turns into a walrus in an evening gown.>

Amy: At least I'm smart enough not to call an RL a loser when he's in
  earshot. -_-;;

Chyron: URK!  URK!  URK! >_<;;;

Amy: I think what my whiskered colleague-<gets bitten>-OW!  Stupid sea
  cow.  I think what Chyron means to say is that now it's time for the
  award for...

  <BEST NON-CANONICAL ROMANTIC PAIRING!>

Amy: You people managed to think up some real sick crap here, but what
  takes the cake is... Amy and Ukkyo. >_<;;;

Chyron: <looks as self-satisfied as a walrus can>

Amy: You're awfully smug for someone who's going to spend the rest of her
  life eating raw fish in the zoo. >_<;;

  <Romantic music begins to play, as Ukkyo is forced on stage against her
  wild protests.>

Ukkyo: CUT TO COMMERCIAL!  NOW!

--

                       |  "No mercy.  For someone who would use children
Kuno Christoffel       |   as pawns in his plot for global domination...
deva@wizard.net        |   I CAN SHOW NO MERCY!"
www.wizard.net/~deva   |                              - God Fire Convoy,
                       |                  "Devil Gigatron Strikes Back!"