*Backstage* BJ: Is my hair okay? Should I have worn a different dress? Does this shade of lipstick look good on me? I'm so nervous! What if - Jesse: Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! *Poundpoundpound* Sensei: Hey, no infighting amongst the contestants! BJ: You're just jealous because you /know/ I'll do better! *bi-da* Jesse: I am not! I don't even want to be in this stupid competition anyway! And I am so /not/ wearing a dress! Sensei: Of course, dear... *patpats* Jesse: SCREW YOU TOO! BJ: *under his breath* She's going to lose /so/ badly! J-ko: ... Sensei: Shh! We're on! And now, Fox Lee Studios brings you: THE JESSE COLLECTIVE vs. THE CUTE GIRL TEST 2.0 (The test belongin' to Kuno Christoffel ) ** APPEARANCE ** Girl is shaped like a long-legged hourglass, +10 points. Girl is shaped like a real person, +3 Girl is shaped like a pencil, -1 Girl is shaped like a fireplug, radish, prune, or beachball, -10 Girl has extra eyes, arms, ears, etc. -5 per *class* of part. ... If parts are sexual in nature, additional -5 (H. penalty). Girl is not actually shaped like anything, but is actually a projection, hologram, or other illusion, -5. Girl has an eye height greater than head height/2, -5 Girl has an eye height less than head height/8, -3 Girl is clearly pushing forty, -2 Girl is clearly pushing sixty, -6 Girl is clearly pushing two hundred, -14 Girl is under 18, -2 Girl is under 16, -4 Girl is prepubescent, -8 Girl is fetus, -10. Girl changes shape, +2 ... involuntarily, -4 Girl is having a bad hair decade, -3 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sensei: 10 +10 = 20 BJ: 10 + 10 = 20 Jesse: 10 + 3 (real person) -3 (bad hair) = 10 J-ko: 10 + 3 (real person), -8 (prepubescence), -3 (below head height) = -2 BJ: Yay! I'm winning! ^_^ Sensei: *points at Jesse* Haha! You got positive points! Jesse: Shove it up your hourglass ass, bitch. *glare* J-ko: ... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** INTELLIGENCE ** Girl is stupider than head cheese, toaster ovens, and Tatewaki Kuno, -10 Girl is brighter than Kuno, but still repeats actions that didn't work the first time, -5 Girl is intelligent and creative, +6 Girl is *supposed* to be intelligent and creative, but never demonstrates it except through technobabble, weird science, and/or computer skills, -4 ... and she wears glasses, additional -1 ... and she doesn't date, additional -4 Girl is creative, but not particularly intelligent, +2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sensei: 20 + 6 = 26 BJ: 20 + 2 = 22 Jesse: 10 + 6 = 16 J-ko: -2 + 0 (Unknown) = -2 Sensei: *smiles* Look out, BJ, cammo girl is creeping up on you! BJ: I'm smart! I'm smart, I am! T_T Jesse: Bimbo. J-ko: ... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** ATTIRE AND FASHION ** Attire is tasteful and alluring, +8 Attire is tasteful but reserved, +4 Attire is alluring but trashy, +2 Girl wears sexy high-heeled shoes for social occasions, +2 GIrl wears sexy high-heeled shoes for kicking ass, -2 Attire is silly, -2 Attire is ugly, -4 Girl cross-dresses, -4 ... but is still unmistakably female, regain +2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sensei: 26 + 8 (tasteful), +2 (high heels) = 36 BJ: 22 + 8 (tasteful), +2 (high heels) = 32 Jesse: 16 - 4 (crossdressing) = 12 J-ko: -2 + 0 (plain white shirt) = -2 Sensei: *Grins* Neck to knee covered, and still coming out on top. ^_~ BJ: ^_^v Look! I'm not far behind! Jesse: *Cleches fist* Yesssss! Minus points! More minus points! J-ko: ... Fox: For those of you who are wondering, I'm interpreting the "crossdressing" question to mean that the girl dresses in mens' clothing, so BJ will not be taking it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** PERSONALITY ** Girl is kind to animals, +2 Girl is kind to people, +4 ... even ones she doesn't like, additional +4 Girl is kind to machines, -1 Girl is loyal, +3 ... to people who clearly don't deserve it, -7 Girl is polite, +1 ... even to criminals, punks, and hellspawn, -3 Girl is happy and upbeat +4 ... even in the face of calamity, -5 Girl fulfills her promises, +5 ... and threats, reduce -2 ... even when they no longer matter, reduce -3 Girl thinks the world has gone to hell in a handbasket, -4 ... but she's right, +7 Girl ever asks "What is the meaning of love" or any variation thereof, -10 ... and she follows it up with "What is kiss", additional -5 Girl strips naked in public -5 ... and then complains that everyone is staring at her, additional -5 Girl is obsessed with her own cuteness or lack thereof, -6 ... but only because some yoyo keeps questioning it, regain +5 Girl is surly and truculent, -1 Girl argues with people, -1 Girl argues with animals, -4 ... but they argue back, +2 Girl is arrogant or snotty, -3 Girl is chronically jealous, -4 Girl is manipulative, -4 Girl reacts violently to minor insults and slights, -7 Girl reacts violently to being groped, +3 Girl is detached from reality, -2 Girl is utterly bonkers, -7 Girl is heartless and cold, -8 Girl is Evil(tm),-10 ... but she's got style, regain +5. Girl has no personality whatsoever, -10 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sensei: 36 + 2 (animals), +4 (people), +4 (doesn't like), +3 (loyal), +1 (polite), +4 (upbeat), +5 (promises), -2 (threats), -1 (argues with people) = 56 BJ: 32 + 2 (animals), +4 (people), +4 (doesn't like), +3 (loyal), +1 (polite), +4 (happy), +5 (promises), -6 (cuteness obsessed) = 49 Jesse: 12 + 2 (animals), +5 (loyal), +5 (promises), -2 (threats), -4 (hell in a handbasket), +7 (right) -1 (surly), -1 (argues), -4 (jealous), +3 (grope violence) = 22 J-ko: -2 - 10 = -12 BJ: Am I the only one who thinks we should get some personality into poor J-ko? ^^;;; Sensei: He's innocence, BJ. He can't have a personality! Jesse: *Grabbing RL by shirt and shaking till rattling is heard* Jealous! JEALOUS?! I AM NOT JEALOUS!! J-ko: ... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** RESPONDS TO DANGER ** by laughing, +2 ... insanely, -7 by protecting loved ones, +4 ... and people she doesn't like, additional +6 ... because it's part of her job, reduce -2 by using stock footage, -10 by crying, clutching, whining, and being generally counterproductive, -7 by skedaddling, +2 by being Tearfully Brave, +1 by making impassioned speeches, -4 by serving tea, +1 for style. If girl is never placed in danger, +4 for normalcy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sensei: 56 + 2 (laughing), +4 (protecting), +6 (more of the same) = 68 BJ: 49 + 4 (from crying etc, skedaddling or tearfully brave) = 53 Jesse: 22 + 2 (laughing), +4 (protecting) = 28 J-ko: -12 + 4 (no danger) = -8 Sensei: You broke twenty, Jess-chan! Oh, you're so /cute/! ^________^ Jesse: ShuttupshuttUP! How com their was no "kicking danger's ass" option?! That was my option I tell you! BJ: *Sniffle* *whimper* It's not my fault if danger scares me... J-ko: ... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** ROMANTIC SITUATION ** Note: only score romantic complications *directly affecting* the character. Girl has steady SO, +4 Girl is at apex of love triangle, +6 ... and dithers endlessly about it, reduce -3 Girl is secondary participant in love triangle, -2 ... and triangle has extra sides, -2 per side. Girl is mooning after a guy who's emotionally unavailable, -4 ...because he's been dead for two years, additional -2 ...because he's gay, additional -4 Girl is mooning after another girl who is straight, -10 Girl is widely admired, +5 ... by morons who do nothing but cause trouble, -7. Girl is in love, but pretends she isn't, -7 ... because he acts like an immature jerk, regain +5 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sensei: 68 + 5 (admired), - 2 (love triangle) = 73 BJ: 53 + 5 (admired), -4 (mooning over Jei), -4 (Jei is straight), -4 (mooning over Zing) = 46 Jesse: 28 + 0 (love-free, bebe!) = 28 J-ko: -8 + 0 (love? Yeah, right...) = -8 Sensei: Aw, c'mon, /surely/ I'm at the apex of at least one love triangle... BJ: Nooooo! Jei-sama isn't straight! He's just confused! T_T Jesse: Will you pair quit whining? You already /have/ lots of points! What more do you want?! Sensei: *Sizes up Jesse* Hmm...I'd say two metres of strong chain, a riding crop, a can of whipped cream, and lots of leather ^____^ Jesse: -_-;;;;; J-ko: ... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** GIRL DIES ** Fighting Evil +5 Fighting Good +1 Of Ali McGraw disease, -6 For love +5 ... of some guy who never liked her anyway, -10 For no damn reason, -5 And it solves a love triangle, -4 But she gets better, -10. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sensei: 73 + 5 (evil), +5 (for love) = 83 BJ: 46 + 5 (evil), + 5 (love) = 56 Jesse: 28 + 5 (love) = 33 J-ko: -8 + 0 (sore wa himitsu desu) = -8 Sensei: Sa-wish! ^_^ BJ: Dying for love...well, I'm not ashamed of that at least... Jesse: DYING for LOVE?! Who the HELL wrote that in! RL! Get your arse over here so I can kick it! *Chases off after Fox* J-ko: ... BJ: Is he going to say /anything/? Sensei: He's mute, BJ -_-;;; BJ: Oh. Yeah. <^^;;; ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** SKILLS, POWERS, AND OTHERS ** Girl has marital arts, mecha piloting, or other fighting skills, +2 Girl has magical or psionic powers, +4 Girl has cybernetic implants, +2 Girl calls out exactly what she's doing when she uses her skills or powers, -6 ... but she's allowed to whisper, regain +2 Girl is a goddess, angel, or supernatural being, +2 ... and actually in charge of something important, additional +2 ... but has nothing better to do than minister to some dork, -4. Girl is unaging and practically immortal, +3 Girl is a vampire or demon, -9 Girl is gainfully employed, +8 ...in an unlawful or illegal enterprise, -5 ...in a military or law enforcement capacity, extra +2 Girl is a Rescue Doll, -5 Girl is a MAN, -10. Girl can sing, +4 ... and insists on doing so every ten minutes, -2. ... and can stop a horribly beweaponed space battle fleet with one giddy pop song, -7. Girl has cute little pet, +6 Girl IS cute little pet, +1 Girl has distinctly uncute pet, +3 Girl speaks respectfully to pet, -2 Girl takes orders from pet, -10 Girl has pet which is actually something dangerous, like a spaceship or Ryouga Hibiki, -2 ... and she thinks it's just a pet, additional -2. Girl can cook, +4 Girl can't cook, but does so anyway, -4 Girl won't eat her own cooking, -3 Girl's cooking is actually dangerous, -4 Girl's Japanese is poor, -2 ... and she ISN'T a foreigner, additional -5 Girl speaks English +2 ... badly, -1 ... and English is her native tongue, further -5 Girl sounds like she's been sucking helium, -3 And, finally, Girl has some clown on the net willing to engage in a shouting match on her behalf, -2 per clown. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sensei: 83 + 2 (fighting), +4 (magic), +3 (unaging), +8 (employed), +4 (sing), +6 (pet), -2 (dangerous pet), +4 (cook), +2 (english) -4 (2 clowns) = 110 BJ: 56 + 2 (fighting), +4 (magic), +3 (unaging), +8 (employed), -5 (rescue doll), -10 (male), +4 (sing), +4 (cook), +2 (english), - 2 (clown) = 66 Jesse: 28 + 2 (fighting), +4 (magic), +3 (unaging), +8 (employed), +4 (sing), +2 (english), -4 (2 clowns) = 48 J-ko: -8 + 2 (supernatural), +3 (unaging) = -3 And the results are in! Way ahead in first place is schoolteacher and refined pervert, Jesse-Sensei, on a whopping 110 points! Sensei: *smiles* It was that bit about the leather that won me it, wasn't it? ^_^ Coming in second, on a mere 66 points, is domestic girly-boy BJ! BJ: I still think I should have gotten at least half of those ten points back for /looking/ so damn female! *sulks* In third place, racking up 48 points despite her greatest protest, it's violent flatchested tomboy, Jesse! Jesse: If you /ever/ tell /anybody/ that I got a positive score I will single-handedly kill you. All of you. And coming in last place on a /very/ mediocre -3 points, the Sumisuke embodiment of innocence, J-ko! J-ko: ... That's all for now. Come back later to see the rematch: Jesse-Sensei's Hall Seishi Sentai versus the Cute Girl test! 'Til then!